The Difference Between Fun and Happiness

I didn’t get a blog post done last weekend. I put in about 28 hours editing my book manuscript – before sending it off to the copy editor.  I had an ache in my neck and was going stir-crazy as the evening went on…and on. I finished on Sunday night around midnight and made a PDF copy to send in the morning… I dragged myself into the shower at 1 am for some hot water therapy.  I couldn’t have been happier. I was euphoric.

I was remembering an article a friend passed on to me in the late 80’s. It was called “The Secret to Real Happiness” and it really stuck with me. The author, Dennis Prager, talked about how some people equate real “happiness”  with “having fun”. He felt that they had little or nothing in common; nothing to do with each other.

Fun, he said, is what we experience during an act, and happiness is what we experience after an act – a much deeper, abiding emotion.

Sports activities, parties, watching movies are all fun activities that make us forget our troubles, make us laugh and help us de-stress. But they don’t contribute to real happiness because the fun ends when they end.

When we see celebrities and the mega rich partying, driving around in expensive cars, living in glamourous places we may think, “wow… wouldn’t that be nice – I’d be so happy” but memoir after memoir from these same people informs us that it is not necessarily so.

Believing that a fun-filled, pain-free life will bring happiness must then mean, conversely, that pain must bring unhappiness.  Typically this is not true. Quite often things that lead to happiness usually involve some pain.  And, by avoiding pain or struggle, we lose out on some of the greatest sources of happiness in life:  marriage, raising children, professional development and achievement, self-improvement, civic or charitable work.

I love to have fun, joking and laughing with friends, dancing, playing games, watching funny movies. But I know that these don’t contribute to my overall happiness.  Raising my son, being in relationships full of integrity, taking on challenging projects at work, and working on this book project…have brought me incredible amounts of happiness that continue to build.

Understanding this can liberate us…we may feel more generous with our time pursuing some of these tougher challenges,  we may be less pressured to spend on things that will not contribute to our happiness, and we may rid ourselves of any envy we have for those with lots of toys, money and a scintillating social life.

It helps us lead our life differently and can contribute to much satisfaction. This really helps me when I’m exhausted or when I have to tackle something that is really tough: whether it is speaking my truth or rolling up my sleeves in the office.

I have been working on the book for three years, plugging away doing photo shoots, writing, re-writing, designing and re-designing.  We are getting near the end, but this last bit is challenging, time consuming, a lot of work, and a lot of hours…

I’m amazed at the happiness it is already bringing: a sense of pride and accomplishment.  Similar to that amazing feeling when you reach the mountain summit on a long grinding hike, cross a marathon finish line, or graduate from a program.  Not always a lot of fun during the journey but oh, such joy and real happiness in the end.

Wish me luck. Another month of filling in the blanks, the last photos to shoot, copy edits, then a month of back and forth proofing before going to the printer in April.  Much happiness to come.

Little Books, Big Impact: 21 gems to share

I have a short bookshelf where I put my “small” books.  I’ve gathered quite a number of these gems and most are ones I will read again, and again.  They are delightful, moving, full of insight and inspiration and they warm my heart. Some light, some heavy, all great. I’ve also included a few “regular” sized books that I have in small paperback versions – they are worthy company.  They all make great gifts: for others or for yourself…for the new year maybe?

1) 10 POEMS TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE – Roger Housden, editor

The first few lines of the book jacket read: “This is a dangerous book. Great poetry…dares us to break free from the safe strategies of the cautious mind….it can lead to communion and grace.”

Ten wonderful poems and the author’s glimpses and reflections on each, and how they resonate with his life.  Derek Walcott’s “Love after Love”, will melt your heart and also make it sing.

2) 10 POEMS TO OPEN YOUR HEART – Roger Housden, editor

Similar to the first volume noted above, but this one is described as being “… devoted to the intimacy of personal love and lovemaking, to a loving compassion for others, and to the love that embraces this world and the next.”  In his eloquent style, Housden examines works from ten poets and includes illustrations from his own life to express the tenderness, beauty, joy and sorrow of love.  Mary Oliver’s “West Wind #2”, an absolute favorite of mine, is the opening poem.

 3) FOOD RULES – An Eater’s Manual – Michael Pollan

With charming illustrations by Maira Kalman, this delightful book has all kinds of wonderful “rules” about food.  Admonishments that might have come from your grandmother, common sense type rules, good words to live by and eat by.  One of my favorites:  “If you are hungry, have an apple. If you don’t want an apple, you aren’t hungry.”

 4) THE INVITATION – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Shared by word of mouth, e-mailed from reader to reader, recited over the radio, and read aloud at thousands of retreats and conferences, “The Invitation” has been transformational for many.

In this bestselling book, Oriah expands on the wisdom found within her beloved prose poem, challenging us to live in intimacy, honesty, authenticity and peace with ourselves, others, and the world around us. She invites us to embrace the varieties of human experience, from desire and commitment to sorrow and betrayal, and to open ourselves to all possibilities.

5) THE DANCE – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Oriah returns with another enchanting poem, The Dance.  Savoring the everyday world of family, friends, love – and working with clear minds and open hearts – is key in reminding us that happiness is not lost, but is buried beneath the clutter of our harried lives.

“To dance — to live in a way that is consistent with our longing” — is to discover a gift that we can give ourselves again and again over a lifetime. To dance, alone or with others, is to be who we truly are and fulfill our heart’s desires. To do this, we must learn how to let go and slow down, and return to encounter our true self. Practical and profoundly inspiring, The Dance is an invitation to discover a place of connection, serenity, and joy that is uniquely our own.

 6) THE CALL – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

The trilogy of The Invitation, and The Dance, is complete with The Call.  We are challenged to discard what we know of ourselves as seen through other people and the world around us, and to dig deeper into ourselves to find out who we truly are. She maintains that we each have our own call, but it can’t be found in expectations of others… only within.

She writes: “Remember, there is one word you are here to say, with your whole being. When it finds you, give your life to it”.

7) SHAKESPEARE’S SONNETS – edited by A.L. Rowse

I’ve thrown in a classic: Shakespeare’s Sonnets.  I met a Shakespearean scholar a while ago, a very cool young guy…and he told me this opinion about the Bard:  that his plays were like Spielberg movies: fun and popular attractions for the masses, but it was his commissioned sonnets that were the works of art.

The thing that’s great about this little paperback edition, is that in each two page spread, the left hand side has the original sonnet, but the facing page has a lay person’s version, paraphrased in easier to understand prose.  That helps, big time!   I’m trying to memorize one of the most famous ones, #18:  “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”   At least I now know what the phrases mean!

8) TRIBES– Seth Godin

 In his unique, approachable style, Seth Godin describes the three steps to building a tribe: the desire to change things, the ability to connect a tribe, and the willingness to lead.

We all seek out tribes, whether they are religious, ethnic, economic, political, or even musical. And now social media has eliminated many obstacles of geography, cost, and time and given people the tools to make a difference. An interesting read about workplace culture and leadership.

9) THE DIP – Seth Godin

What starts out as fun and exciting, usually has a low point somewhere along the way…This book is about when to quit and when to ride out the dip; how to determine what is a dead end, and what isn’t, and when to push through. A fascinating little read, and a good alternative viewpoint to barriers that we sometimes encounter.

 10) THE FOUR AGREEMENTS – Don Miguel Ruiz

The four agreements is a book about ancient Toltec wisdom – and the distillation of this wisdom into a simple, yet powerful code of conduct:

-be impeccable with your word

-don’t take anything personal

-don’t make assumptions

-always do your best

Wonderful goals for us to aspire to.

11) WOMEN WHO RUN WITH THE WOLVES – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

This book is one of my top pick gifts to give to girlfriends who are seeking, searching, and learning.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., Jungian analyst and storyteller shows how women’s vitality can be restored through what she calls “psychic archeological digs” into the ruins of the female unconscious. Through a wonderful collection of tales from many cultures she reminds women that we are born with an instinctual knowledge of things to come.

“The work shows the reader how glorious it is to be daring, to be caring, and to be women. Everyone who can read should read this book.”–Maya Angelou

12) THE FAITHFUL GARDENER – Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I can’t say enough about Clarissa Pinkola Estes – one of my favorite stories to read aloud is contained within her book The Faithful Gardener. It is a story within a story within a story: elegantly told interlocking tales of loss, survival and fierce rebirth. These stories remind readers of all ages of “that magisterial life force within all things that strengthens us in times of turmoil or transition, that faithful force which can never die.”

13) ORBITING THE GIANT HAIRBALL – Gordon McKenzie

This is a great little read about the suppression of creative genius in the corporate world, and it is full of humorous and entertaining stories related to McKenzie’s long career at Hallmark Cards.  Even the layout and design of the book fly in the face of tradition – creating an interesting visual experience. A good outside-the-box view of corporate culture for creative souls.

14) RULES OF THE RED RUBBER BALL – Kevin Carroll

Kevin Carroll, athletic trainer and public speaker, tells the story of his childhood passion for sport and play and how he turned that into a universally appealing blueprint for life. He draws wisdom from the playgrounds of his youth, where he spent hour after hour honing his physical skills and his mind.  Carroll shares how to find your own red rubber ball and chase it to your heart’s content, to achieve peace, prosperity, and happiness. The book’s message, and beautifully creative design are playful and engaging.

15) HELP, THANKS, WOW – Anne Lamott

Anne Lamott’s three simple “prayers” are uplifting and heart healing:

-ask for assistance from a higher power

-appreciate the good in what we have

-feel awe at the world around us

In her engaging style, Lamott recounts how she came to these insights, explains what they mean to her and how they have helped her, and also how others have embraced these ideas.

16) HOW TO STOP WORRYING AND START LIVING – Dale Carnegie

As a child, I saw this book in our family bookshelf, and I read a copy when I was in my 20’s when I was going through some sort of crisis; on the brink of some life decision that was making me sad, homesick and worried. It worked. And I still remember one of the best takeaways:

If you find yourself worrying about something, just ask yourself:

1. a) what is the worst thing that can happen?
2. b) can I deal with that?

If the answer is yes, then….you’ll manage.  It really helped me.

17) TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE – Mitch Albom

Mitch Albom reconnects with his old college professor, from long ago, when he discovers the professor is dying of ALS.  Mitch visits Morrie Schwartz in his study every Tuesday, just as they used to back in college. Their rekindled relationship turned into one final ‘class’: lessons in how to live; lessons about regrets, fear, aging, marriage, forgiveness, money and family.  A feel good book full of thoughtful advice.

18) THE LAST LECTURE – Randy Pausch, Jeffrey Zaslow contributor

Carnegie Mellon University has a tradition of inviting professors to give a lecture where they pretend that it is their last chance ever to talk to their students. What would you say? What wisdom would you impart? What are your lessons in life?

For Computer Science professor Randy Pausch, who received this invitation, this was not a hypothetical question. Barely a minute into the lecture he introduced “the elephant in the room”: advanced pancreatic cancer that would kill him in a matter of months. With this revelation out of the way, he gave a talk about achieving your childhood dreams and enabling the dreams of others.

The lecture was so full of optimism, clarity, hope, humour, and sincerity that the YouTube video went viral and a few months later it was published as a book (2008).

What comes across most strongly is his deep love for his wife and children who he knew he would be leaving behind. It is inspiring and emotionally charged, and you will want to kiss your kids, your partner, or call your parents…

19) IKEBANA: Chat with Flowers – Noriko Ohno

The simplicity of Ikebana – Japanese minimalistic flower arranging – has always calmed and delighted me. I love browsing through used book stores in the home/living/design sections and finding little vintage gems on domestic arts. They are a thing of beauty.

20) MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING – Viktor Frankl

A profound, seminal work – part psychological treatise and part harrowing memoir of psychiatrist Viktor Frankl’s experience in Nazi death camps.

Based on his experiences and of others he treated later in his practice, Frankl argues that we cannot avoid suffering but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose. He believes that our primary drive in life is not pleasure, as Freud maintained, but the discovery and pursuit of what we personally find meaningful.

At the time of Frankl’s death in 1997, Man’s Search for Meaning had sold more than 10 million copies in twenty-four languages.

21) INTIMATE DISTANCES – Fiona Tinwei Lam

A gift from a friend, who is a friend of the poet. Eloquent, elegant prose poems with captivating viewpoints – one where she “rewinds” her mother’s life: walking backwards away from birthday cakes and a wedding aisle, swirling backwards in time.  Another poem is a spare, beautiful description of voice and heart.

I’ll leave you with that one….

PRELUDE

I carry everything

in my throat

behind a tender keyhole

where mind and heart

and knowing join

and clench.

 

Touch it. The voice

underneath flesh,

the breath

underneath voice,

the world

underneath breath,

underneath words

burrowed in bone.

 

-Fiona Tinwei Lam

 

 I hope there are some surprises and some new ideas among these selections – ones that perhaps you didn’t know about, and that you might explore and enjoy. Happy reading and happy gifting in the new year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Book Journey: a story of three drafts

Writing a book has been everything I imagined it to be, and more. In my case, I think of it more as creating, rather than writing a book, since it has so many components and pieces.

Creating a book has always been on my “list” and as a designer and artist, I always knew it would be about design in some fashion, rather than a novel, for instance.

I imagine that writing a novel would be much tougher – having to create a really sound body of writing. My individual essays have seemed like they are simpler than that. They have been easier to gather and compile and tackle and manage – one at the time.  I guess the requirement for consistency is still there? There’s no plot development, but still, there is a need for cohesion throughout. In any case, I have truly enjoyed the writing of the essays about the artful, creative living experiences that accompany the photos I’ve pulled together.

I think that’s where is started…writing about those first few experiences, as the mother of a young son. Then the idea of gathering them all, in groups… I had some photos that needed writing to accompany them, and I also had some writing pieces that needed photos.  A spreadsheet started, and grew. It became an ever-evolving outline.

I added and deleted and switched and combined categories and topics.  Then they started to take hold, take shape, hang together.

I wrote and labelled and tagged. We started doing photo shoots and labelled and tagged according to the great big master spreadsheet.  There were months where there wasn’t much time to work on this project, and other months where I reveled in making good headway, in fruitful work.

Draft 1: Finally Real

I was still flying solo, without much professional help. I wanted to flush out the book and make it more concrete – I had to start somewhere.  It was not the right time to leap ahead and learn InDesign (the software that the book would need to be in, to be printed eventually). I wanted a quick fix and I wanted to start with a draft I could quickly pull together, to get a sense of things. So I used PowerPoint – some cringed, but, it was what I knew well and used in my work presentations.  It worked because it got me to get my material into a “book” format.

It went together quickly! A year ago, I printed it for the first time and wept. It was finally real.  After looking at slides on a computer screen for months and months it felt wonderfully different…and real.

 

Draft 2:  More Real

Fast forward another nine months…I now have a dozen photo shoots under my belt, have crossed off a lot of items on the spreadsheet and have also started working with a book designer. Fiona Raven is a huge help: as is her own book “Book Design Made Simple” that I refer to.  She helped me lay out the pages in InDesign which I have now learned to use…basically… (quite the learning curve!) and I’ve placed everything into this new, polished format. There are still a lot of holes, but it feels good moving on to the proper format, to standardized page layouts and sizing.  The book is taking shape even more, with chapter spreads and headings. The design is now refined and articulated.

 

DRAFT 3: Really Real

Here we are…right now… a third draft was printed off two weeks ago and sent off to the publishing consultants who will do a substantive edit and review of the manuscript.  I’ve put a lot of hours in since Draft 2 – filling in all the blanks, writing the last few pieces, finding those elusive photos, and creating placeholders for the last dozen.  I’ve laid out the front matter and the back matter. Now I know how many pages it will be in total.  I’ve written my acknowledgements, allowed for the table of contents, dedications, and index, tweaked the cover and the title…. Lots of polishing on the pages, aligning, sizing of photos, revisions of content, layout…  This feels amazing.

Behind the Book, my publishing consultants, will get back to me in another week or so…it will be interesting to hear what they have to say! After we sort through that, it will be time to tackle ISBN, dates at the printer, and an ambitious schedule to polish and get everything packaged for the printer.

I’m so excited and I’m hoping to stick to our deadlines in order to get this baby out by early October.  Wish me luck in this last leg of an amazing journey.

Stay tuned! I welcome you to sign up to my email list to be notified of the book release and launch celebrations, or follow this blog. I’ll be certain to spread the good news as soon as I can.

Tasks that Soothe

I’m back. It’s been a long time since I’ve posted…I think there has only been one blog post this summer.

Not what I had planned. Friends and colleagues had commented earlier in the year: “Wow, how are you able to write and post twice a week???” I would smugly answer, “Oh, it’s easy, and it doesn’t take long”….

Well. My day-job workload, as a health care interior designer, exploded late June and I found myself working on two huge projects. I loved them both, and they provided an opportunity to do the best work ever in my career…but they were all consuming. Add in a summer cold that seems to have lasted 8 weeks. Hmm…there go the ambitious writing plans…and most daily upkeep tasks! For the last three months I have pretty well worked 12-16 hour days, 7 days a week.

The projects finished last week, and I got away for Thanksgiving. I’m now at home, trying to unwind and wanting so much to get back to my favorite pursuits: finishing the book, blogging, getting healthy again.

I did sneak in a few books in between the chaos, and a special one was Marie Kondo’s “the life-changing magic of tidying up”. It was a quick, happy read and I really enjoyed it.

This young lady has a consulting business in Japan and guides people through her method of organizing their homes and possessions. I won’t go into great detail – you should read the book! – but I will note:

She believes that you must de-clutter and reduce your possessions before you can re-organize, otherwise you are just shuffling around what you have. (And she maintains we all have too much!)

Her one key suggestion to assist in the reducing and purging of superfluous possessions is:

KEEP ONLY THINGS THAT SPARK JOY.

She offers suggestions on how to tackle this: Don’t go room by room, but pick a type/group of items and purge that item throughout your complete space: (clothes, books, CD’s, mementos…) I think she’s spot on in saying you should start with the less precious or less rare items: clothes are easier to get rid of than family photos. Work your way up to the tough ones!

When I read the book in the middle of my crazy work time, I thought: I want to do this when I’m free again! So, the other morning, fresh from my weekend break, I tackled my clothes. If I didn’t love it, it went into a pile to offer to friends to pick through or one marked for donating. It didn’t matter if it was new, valuable or in good condition, if I didn’t love it, it was gone.

I got rid of 30% of my clothes and the closets can breathe again! That felt so good I moved on to my dresser drawers and the extra clothes in storage in the basement. I felt cleansed and renewed; tidier and more organized already. It was a wonderful soothing, re-grouping exercise.

Books are next week’s target….

Book Just Got Real

I’ve been working on my book draft/mock up and managed to get most of it mapped out into a format that’s starting to take shape. I’ve been scrolling back and forth between the 200 or so pages on my computer screen for a few weeks now.

I decided it was time to print off a copy so I could hold it in my hands, see what the pages looked like beside each other and get a feel for sizing. I wanted to start to makes notes and edit it at another level.

When the 212 pages were printed and bound together the other day, I wept.

It finally felt like a book. It finally felt like a project that was going to come to fruition! I’ve been dreaming of this for a while and have been telling people about my progress over the last year as we tackled photo shoots, as the written work went through another round of edits…but this moment was such a huge milestone. Me, the one who loves paper books so much, the one that loves holding and touching books, magazines and reports in my hands instead of reading them on a screen….of course this was the moment.

I closed my eyes and hugged the package of pages, pressed them close to my heart, and told myself that this would happen, this was happening. This dream will come true.

Mom, got any books I can read?

Ahhh music to my ears. My twenty year old son is asking me for book suggestions… I waltz over to the book shelves in my den… hmmm….What could a 55 year old woman suggest to a 20 year young man?

I’m already thrilled he’s told me he liked The Corrections, by Jonathan Franzen. I’m pumped to hear this. (I loved that book!) So I gather up a few that I think might work for him:

The 100 Year Old Man Who Jumped Out of the Window and Disappeared
by Jonas Jonasson

A delightful romp that has shades of Forrest Gump. A fun toboggan ride through history from such a crazy perspective.

The Night Circus
by Erin Morgenstern

A surreal story where a circus comes to town, and everything, and nothing is real….even the characters don’t know the difference. It’s magical, inventive, and full of love and betrayal, spectacle and shivers.

The Power of One
by Bryce Courtenay

An epic story set in South Africa of an English speaking boy coming of age in a racially diverse and tense society. Enduring abuse and hardships, he aspires to be a boxing champion. The physical landscape is beautifully described in this book that is a snapshot of history, of South Africa, of youth and maturity.

 Steve Jobs
by Walter Isaacson

An in-depth, fascinating bio – I learned all kinds of things I didn’t know about Steve Jobs and it was a captivating read.

Skinny Dip
by Carl Hiaasen

A hilarious “B Movie” style narrative. Thoroughly entertaining and fun! So very tongue and cheek and filled with over-the-top characters.

Wild
by Cheryl Strayed

Cheryl Strayed’s memoir of hiking the Pacific Crest Trail while rather unprepared; grieving the loss of her mother and her marriage. She threw herself wholehearted into this quest and her story is fascinating and heartfelt – speaking to themes of weakness and strength.

The Measure of a Man
by JJ Lee

A New Westminster neighbor, that I had the pleasure of meeting at the Vancouver Writers Festival, JJ Lee also writes for the Vancouver Sun on Men’s fashion and style. This story is about a suit, and the history of men’s tailoring, and of his father and their relationship.

The Pillars of the Earth
by Ken Follett

This story follows a prior, his master builder, and their community as they struggle to build a cathedral and protect themselves during tumultuous 12th century England. There is a wealth of historical detail, especially concerning architecture and construction.

Read on, young man! I love that you love books…

The Lovely Bookplate

Ahhh….bookplates.

Bookplates allow me to ceremoniously mark my treasured books as my own…(I will be the last reader standing with a paper book…).

I have books that I read and “pass on” and then I have books that I love to share, but want back. Putting a bookplate in them assigns them a certain status and may assist in them getting returned to me.

They are their own art form. I have many that speak volumes…different volumes…of whimsy, of reverence, of worlds far away, of sweetness and joy.

I haven’t met a bookplate I didn’t love.